Thursday, December 31, 2009
12:17 AM | Posted by
Unknown
I was reminded today, in a conversation with one of my daughters, that sometimes even the best laid plans can be hijacked by life and dumped in the trash. She was saying, "I try so hard to lay low. I don't go visiting anyone. I rarely get any visitors. In fact, I doubt most people I know have any idea where I live. Yet no matter how bland I try to make my life, trouble just seems to hunt me down." Today she saw that she was getting low on gasoline, so after work she pulled into the only gas station between her work and her house, only to find that their pumps weren't working. Actually, there was another station right next door, but they required a credit card, which she doesn't have. The long and the short of it was that after an hour of talking and negotiating, the station attendant called her own mother, who came down and paid for twenty dollars worth of gas with her own credit card. My daughter gave her twenty in cash, got her gas and was able to make it home.
Sometimes it seems as if there is an eager crowd of trouble makers waiting in a class for the torment of humanity. When an opportunity arises to make our lives more difficult, hands go up all over the room, with each new mischief crying, "Pick me! Pick me!"
What pleases me about her story was her way of telling it and concluding with a joke. What a revealing message. We all have troubles, many of which we do our best to avoid, and many of which we don't even see coming. But what do we do when those troubles present themselves? Do we weep and whine about how hard we have it? Do we point fingers and try to lay blame on someone for our trials in life? (Like that would somehow improve the situation by making someone else suffer like we feel we are.) Do we grow sullen and sulk about the house feeling sorry for ourselves? Well, okay, perhaps a little bit of that last one. But what really shows our personal strength and ability to survive hard times is our ability to maintain a sense of humor. If we can see humor in the midst of adversity, then we can temper our sorrows by the joys that surround us all the time. And yes, they do surround us all the time.
When I got divorced, and became a single father with four children in tow, I was pretty lost. My children were traumatized by it all. I was traumatized as much as they were, but we learned to make games out of common things. I focused on what we had and not what we didn't, which was most everything. I personally felt defeated, worthless and lost, a person of almost no worth. But now that I think of it, I spent almost all of my energies helping the children feel safe in the home, and feel good about themselves. I spent a lot of time praising, and even being silly for them, if that is what it took to get them to laugh and think of something other than the loss of their family as they knew it. We used to watch programs on the television, like Little House on the Prairie. I cried every time I watched an episode. I swear the writers had it out for me. But the children loved it. They seemed to know just when the tears were called for in the script, and at that moment they would start glancing at me to see if I was going to cry again. And I always did. They seemed to be somehow settled by that ritual.
In fact, we set up all sorts of rituals around the house. Having routines and phrases they heard all the time seemed to help keep them grounded. We always had meals at expected times. We faithfully watched something as a family on the weekend or in the early evening. They knew that if they wanted to stay up a little longer all they had to do was scratch the back of my head and shoulders and I would conk out almost immediately. These little things gave them a real sense of control that was sorely lacking in their lives. If they started to fight amongst themselves I would remind them that the world was not a very safe place sometimes, so when we come home all the fighting stops. Home was a place to be safe from being told we aren't good enough or we are dumb. There was to be no name calling, only kindness at home.
I admit that it was easier said than done, but of all my little accomplishments in life, I think the trust the children gave me, in time, became one of my most prized possessions. They knew I would stand up for them and protect them. They even began protecting me from things they thought would upset me. I admit that I got upset sometimes when they did that, because usually they wouldn't tell me about something everyone else was doing at school because they were sure we couldn't afford it. Rather than watch me stew over how I was going to pay for it, they just quietly went about their business and didn't tell me about it. I always felt really bad when I found out after the fact that they had missed something because they thought they were protecting me.
This brings me to my last point. When we try to do something that is good, with all the right intentions and all the good wishes we have, it still doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. Our daughter is now raising four children on her own under very difficult circumstances. She has her days of despair and depression. But we are so proud of her because she is working so hard to be an attentive and loving parent. Everything seems to go wrong, but she does everything she can to help her children feel like everything is normal, and they are safe and secure. She is still young, and still learning about what it means to be an adult, and how to be a parent, but she stands head and shoulders above many others we have seen who don't seem to care what happens to the children as long as they are not inconvenienced by anything their children may think they need, like love and security.
To my daughter I say, "Good for you! Show those children that you are better than the problems you have to deal with each day. Keep teaching them that the bonds of your love are stronger than death, that you will always be there to protect them and fight for them and their happiness." Life has so many mishaps. I say we need to learn to look above them and see what is priceless and ennobling around us. Deal with the problems, but remember that it shouldn't be the problems that define us, it should be our ability to see how much more to life there is than the nuisences that seem to always be coming and going.
Sometimes it seems as if there is an eager crowd of trouble makers waiting in a class for the torment of humanity. When an opportunity arises to make our lives more difficult, hands go up all over the room, with each new mischief crying, "Pick me! Pick me!"
What pleases me about her story was her way of telling it and concluding with a joke. What a revealing message. We all have troubles, many of which we do our best to avoid, and many of which we don't even see coming. But what do we do when those troubles present themselves? Do we weep and whine about how hard we have it? Do we point fingers and try to lay blame on someone for our trials in life? (Like that would somehow improve the situation by making someone else suffer like we feel we are.) Do we grow sullen and sulk about the house feeling sorry for ourselves? Well, okay, perhaps a little bit of that last one. But what really shows our personal strength and ability to survive hard times is our ability to maintain a sense of humor. If we can see humor in the midst of adversity, then we can temper our sorrows by the joys that surround us all the time. And yes, they do surround us all the time.
When I got divorced, and became a single father with four children in tow, I was pretty lost. My children were traumatized by it all. I was traumatized as much as they were, but we learned to make games out of common things. I focused on what we had and not what we didn't, which was most everything. I personally felt defeated, worthless and lost, a person of almost no worth. But now that I think of it, I spent almost all of my energies helping the children feel safe in the home, and feel good about themselves. I spent a lot of time praising, and even being silly for them, if that is what it took to get them to laugh and think of something other than the loss of their family as they knew it. We used to watch programs on the television, like Little House on the Prairie. I cried every time I watched an episode. I swear the writers had it out for me. But the children loved it. They seemed to know just when the tears were called for in the script, and at that moment they would start glancing at me to see if I was going to cry again. And I always did. They seemed to be somehow settled by that ritual.
In fact, we set up all sorts of rituals around the house. Having routines and phrases they heard all the time seemed to help keep them grounded. We always had meals at expected times. We faithfully watched something as a family on the weekend or in the early evening. They knew that if they wanted to stay up a little longer all they had to do was scratch the back of my head and shoulders and I would conk out almost immediately. These little things gave them a real sense of control that was sorely lacking in their lives. If they started to fight amongst themselves I would remind them that the world was not a very safe place sometimes, so when we come home all the fighting stops. Home was a place to be safe from being told we aren't good enough or we are dumb. There was to be no name calling, only kindness at home.
I admit that it was easier said than done, but of all my little accomplishments in life, I think the trust the children gave me, in time, became one of my most prized possessions. They knew I would stand up for them and protect them. They even began protecting me from things they thought would upset me. I admit that I got upset sometimes when they did that, because usually they wouldn't tell me about something everyone else was doing at school because they were sure we couldn't afford it. Rather than watch me stew over how I was going to pay for it, they just quietly went about their business and didn't tell me about it. I always felt really bad when I found out after the fact that they had missed something because they thought they were protecting me.
This brings me to my last point. When we try to do something that is good, with all the right intentions and all the good wishes we have, it still doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. Our daughter is now raising four children on her own under very difficult circumstances. She has her days of despair and depression. But we are so proud of her because she is working so hard to be an attentive and loving parent. Everything seems to go wrong, but she does everything she can to help her children feel like everything is normal, and they are safe and secure. She is still young, and still learning about what it means to be an adult, and how to be a parent, but she stands head and shoulders above many others we have seen who don't seem to care what happens to the children as long as they are not inconvenienced by anything their children may think they need, like love and security.
To my daughter I say, "Good for you! Show those children that you are better than the problems you have to deal with each day. Keep teaching them that the bonds of your love are stronger than death, that you will always be there to protect them and fight for them and their happiness." Life has so many mishaps. I say we need to learn to look above them and see what is priceless and ennobling around us. Deal with the problems, but remember that it shouldn't be the problems that define us, it should be our ability to see how much more to life there is than the nuisences that seem to always be coming and going.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment