Of Life and Times

When I was young, well younger anyway, I was often puzzled and a little lost when people would ask how I was, but never waited for an answer. It was years later, when I was taking a sociolinguistics class that I had it spelled out for me. We have placeholders in the English language. Phrases like, "How are you?" are not generally meant to literally inquire after our wellbeing, but mean no more than a "hello" or "g'day."

When I was first married, my wife and I had a saying to indicate that we actually meant to inquire after someone's wellbeing. After saying, "Hi. How are you?" and they would respond with, "Fine, thanks." we would counter with, "No, how are you really?" The last really was a little stretched out so they could catch the meaning better. It almost because a standing joke amongst our friends. But the point is they understood that our inquiry was genuine and not just a passing pleasantry.

I used to think that people were just being shallow when they would ask me how I was then run off without even waiting for my response. Finally, someone told me the people just did not care how I was. I believe the exact words used were, "People only care about themselves. They are not really interested in how you are doing, it is just a formality." Ouch.

Now, when I ask someone how they are doing and they actually start to tell me, I remind myself that people are always more important than processes. That has become one of the rules I live by. This means that if I am in a hurry, and ask someone how they are, and they tell me, then I am obligated (by my own rules) to stop and listen and respond respectfully. It can be difficult to be patient, especially if it is someone who has been having a really rough patch in life and has a lot to vent. But I fully believe that taking the time to help them feel heard is more important than anything else I may be doing at the moment. I know that it meant the world to me when I was having a lot of difficulties in life if someone was actually willing to listen to me vent. It didn't change anything physically, but I felt less isolated and derived a little more comfort from feeling that someone was actually willing to listen to me and care about my personal pains and hurts.

This life rule of mine has shown me just how much time it takes to connect with people. There is rarely a quick fix when it comes to helping people feel cared for or loved. It is all about time and attention.