Of Life and Times

I was raised in a military family. We moved about every 1-2 years, which meant that I never knew anyone more than that amount of time. It seemed that each time I made friends with someone either he or I moved shortly thereafter. The first time I became aware of how unusual my life was was in high school. We had just moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming, and I was just about to start the 10th grade. I was standing in line to register for classes and the boy next to me was chatting aimlessly about the place when he pointed to a boy not far away and laughing said, "yeah, me and him have been friends since before kindergarten."

I had never considered the notion of knowing someone that long before that moment. I suddenly felt very lonely. That loneliness has never left. I am now in my 55th year, and I still can't say that I have known someone since childhood. My family is the closest thing I have to an exception, and even then most of my siblings don't really know me. Even as a child I was the odd man out.

On the 30th of December Elaine and I attended the endowment and sealing of a wonderful couple in our ward. In the Celestial room, in the sealing room, at the fale after the session when we were all eating and talking, there was hugging and smiles, and an obvious air of complete familiarity and acceptance in the air. Even today at church, I was standing with my former Stake President. We were discussing home teaching issues when a couple of ward members came up and warmly gave him a heartfelt hug and wished him a happy new year. They looked at me like they weren't sure what they were supposed to do. I followed suite, whether appropriate or not, and gave each of them a hug and wished them well. I think they were a little surprised at my forwardness. Can't say that I wasn't either.

At home I talked to Elaine about it for a moment. I expressed my sadness that I would go to my grave never ever having had a home, a place where I had lived where everyone knew me, knew my history, and still loved me to boot. It is sad to feel that I will go through this entire mortal experience always feeling alone and like an outsider, always looking in at the family through the window, but never being invited in and made one of the clan.

That is when I thought of the scripture that talks about knowing God and being known of God, us knowing Him as we are known by Him. Charity was the topic of our class today, which the Bishop postponed until next week. I think we were in Church today all of 45 minutes before being sent home. Anyway, back to my narrative. How is the Lord able to be so loving to children who betray him, lie to him (or try really hard to), betray and abuse each other, who are unrepentant and unloving and unforgiving. How is he able to forgive us and love us anyway. He never stops trying to reach us. He never stops giving us a chance to come back to Him, no matter how much we mess up. We have to work really, really hard to cut God out of our lives completely. We have to become extremely evil to get rid of Him. Even then he mourns our loss.

I would like to think that the secret is that he knows us. He is not just familiar with our daily constitutional or our preferences at restaurants, he really knows us. He knows what we have done, what our capabilities are, our gifts, what we can accomplish in the future if we live up to our abilities. He knows how much love we are capable of, how much strength and devotion we can learn. He knows us so intimately that he foreordained us to great callings in this life and the next even before we came to this life. He doesn't see us as the mess we are today. He sees us and loves us for who we have been for eons of time, and for the eons to come. Like a person who is sick in a hospital bed, he sees beyond the incapacities and indigent circumstances, and knows us for who and what we really are and can be. So He continues to reach out to us, to seek after us, forgive us, and offers us redemption despite today's or yesterday's behavior. For who we are today is not who we are supposed to be. He loves us as the God's He is raising us to become.

I may not fit in here. Elaine and I talked about the fact that we didn't need to worry about having last minute gifts for those who might show up at our front door at Christmas time. No one ever comes to our door unless they are selling something. Even our own family won't come to our door. But I am known by someone. I am loved by someone. Someone knows me better than I know myself. He longs for my company, even if I don't act like I long for His at times. And someday, someday, I will know Him as I am known by Him then I will belong.